On Letting Our Guard Down
My strategies of evasion are highly sophisticated
On Letting Our Guard Down
I was speaking to someone recently who just loves the reduced defensiveness occasioned by their psychedelic use.
"My strategies of evasion are highly sophisticated," they explained.
And even though they appreciate the process, it's often quite painful. It's painful for two reasons. First, sometimes they remember bad stuff (their term) that happened to them. They'll cry about the love that was denied them or the difficulties that they had to endure. Second, they become aware of the bad stuff that they've done to others. In either case, they are better able to explore feelings that have been difficult to process. They can articulate thoughts that were usually inaccessible. They can take steps towards forgiveness where before, there was only resentment simmering under the surface. The twisty pain and tension that had been torturing and confusing them started to make sense.
I was able to relate to so much of their story personally. Often, when confronted with a backlog of my own indiscretions, my inner critic flares waaaaay up, too. It can be harsh, but criticism is the prelude to forgiveness. If we're lucky, there comes a moment when the criticism eventually breaks, and forgiveness and grace wash over us. We get a respite from the subtle beating we've been levying upon ourselves for so long. It's wonderful while it lasts, and more than a little frustrating when it starts to fade. It's good inspiration to keep meditating, they say. The meditation keeps the window open a little longer, the self-awareness a little higher, and their actions a little kinder. I relate to this, too.
They report that even in sessions when their self-deprecation persists and forgiveness is harder to come by, they are still grateful to have access to the parts of themselves that they've been avoiding. There is still a clear and profound call to attend to what is. Between the emotional catharsis and the resulting process of integrative angel wrestling that they go through with both their therapist and me, they feel like they're on their path.
And so I salute them, this anonymous, intrepid psychonaut, and I salute all of you who endure the same shock to the system that sometimes comes with being willing to look at the things that would rather stay behind the curtain. Thank you for feeling.
(Story used with permission)
The Bardo of Jacob's Ladder
I haven't watched the movie Jacob's Ladder in decades, but there are parts of it that stick with me. I watched a screening of it over the weekend with the writer, who also happens to be my meditation teacher. It's an intense journey. I don't want to give too many spoilers, but the use of liminal space is really well done and very unsettling. Train tunnels, stairwells, hallways, and even empty streets convey a sense of a difficult and desperate journey. It's probably not for the faint of heart of the depersonalized of mind.
Earth Breath By Bloom
A Video on Visuals!
Sidath Rankaduwa explores the effects of psilocybin on visual processing and cognition. I'm a pretty visual person, so I think it's pretty interesting.
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